Anstasiia, Sumy/Donetsk region, 07.04.22

I wrote this text in several increments, each of them started with a negotiation with myself… Why should I write about my impressions, memories, and feelings…? – I did not see the war, I knew about it. There are people who indeed have something to tell, they lost everything, they saw and felt the war… - and I did not. But then I realized that I am myself blocking my feelings, I am afraid to lose control and admit that maybe I too have lost everything…

I have to start from afar for it to be more clear…

I am 32, I was born in …, Sumy region. In the 90s, my father left for Donetsk region to work at the mine, then mom with a 3-year-old me joined him. We lived in rented apartments for a long time… But every summer we would go “HOME”, to Sumy region. That is where my grandmothers, lots of relatives and friends lived.

Throughout my life, as a tradition, I would go home to … with my parents and my children. I almost did not accept the city in Donetsk region, where I spent most of my life, where my children were born, where we lived happily, I did not see myself as part of Donbas.

In 2013-2014, during the Revolution of Dignity, people had aggressive attitude towards our family, because we were not locals – “banderivites,” did anyone even understand that we were from Sumy region… Besides that, we unambiguously showing and expressing our position and helped the warriors and refugees. Over the 8 years, the situation in the region had changed, and our circle has changed specifically. I stopped being in contact with the fanatics of the “Russian world,” and at a certain moment it seemed that there are none of those in our city…

In February of 2022, when talking about a possible war, I tried to calm down those I was talking to and would not allow spreading the panic. Now I regret not thinking through the options beforehand, it is too bad I was not preparing for the worst.

February 24…I cannot forget that